I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
