hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
