No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
