i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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