The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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