I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
