Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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