I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
