If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
