I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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