Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
