I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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