Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
