Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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