I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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