apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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