ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
