So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
