If i come over, it means nothing
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
