just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
