Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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