just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
