Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
