and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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