Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
