I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
