On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
