My nipple is on Facebook.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
