Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Oh god it's open bar.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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