Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
