Rock
Scissors
Fuck
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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