Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
