im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
