Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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