if only i could text you this smell
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
