i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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