I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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