Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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