it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
