peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
