filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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