She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
