I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
