I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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