You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
