I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He called his prostate his "boner button".
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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