Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
