This girl is more easily done than said...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
