Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
