my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
