I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
you never un-have a 4some
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
