Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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