All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
