stop calling my apartment porn island.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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