Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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