I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
