sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
