She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
