we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
