I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
