Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
