True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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