Need sex. Gaining weight.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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