I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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